Friday, July 2, 2010
I haven't posted in quite some time. I think I'm in a funk. I never seem to have things to say, nor do I even desire to talk when I'm in a funk- so funky must be where I'm at these days. I wish I was in the Funky Town from that 80's song- it sounds like more fun than the Funky place I'm at.
I have been walking every day (for the exception of a small handful of days due to extreme heat and humidity) in an effort to strengthen the lower half of my body. So far my snazzy new Sketchers shoes have toned my legs and toosh, and I'm pleased about that. Unfortunately, my back has decided that it is tired of playing nice and went out again yesterday. That, I am not pleased with.
I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning through all of this. How am I supposed to find employment, or go to school full time if I can't even live a normal life for more than 2 to 4 weeks without my back going out? I'm mentally worn out.
I have started reading "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I'm memorizing scripture (one passage so far) per her request while I read the book. I like the book so far. I'm learning more about God and the Bible, but it isn't getting to my heart...it's just all head knowledge.
Part of my funk makes the desire to do anything, including reading hard, so I have to make myself do things. I'm much better at making other people do things. :) I should practice my persuasion skills on myself. The problem is I know what I'm doing- so I cannot fool myself. I would be finished with that book if I wasn't in such a funk. I'm not depressed, I'm in a funk. I refuse to get depressed, but it is obvious I'm fine on some level with being in a funk. Which is somewhat contradictory- I'm going to have to explore why that is acceptable to me.
I read a devotional today that said to help me with my pain I should get out and help people. I will admit that helping anyone has not been something I've desired to do. In fact, I've pretty much built a nice little world for myself since losing my job in March where no one can come in and hurt me, betray me, lie to me, throw me under a bus, use me, walk on me, abuse me, persecute me, or just plain take advantage of me. Just what Satan wants, but not what God wants. My issue is I don't know where to help because the thought of helping someone else when I can't even seem to help myself isn't appealing to be brutally honest.
I am not sure I have the mental and emotional energy. People seem to wear me out lately. Heck, life is wearing me out...that is so pathetic that it makes me sad. :(
I recently shared with a friend that I was afraid to have friends, or be a friend, or get involved in activities with other women because I am tired of getting hurt. I didn't know just how tired I was of being hurt by people over the years until I lost my job this year. I also didn't realize just how angry I was deep down from turning the other cheek from all my past hurts over my life, until I lost my job. I have had to ask God to help me deal with and free me from my anger and my hurts. I have SERIOUS trust issues as a result from my termination, and I am certain it is all a part of my funk. I want to trust people, yet at the same time, I don't. People are mean. I never, ever thought I would say or believe that.
Normally I like funky. :) Not funky smells, or being in a funk, but funky things, funky colors, funky people or songs. Those make life interesting. I wish they sold maps that could help you get out of Funky-ville. I think Rand McNally would make a killing if they had maps of Funky-ville. Think of all the drugs people wouldn't have to take, and all the money spent on therapy that could be spent on something else if we just had a map of the darn place with a clear idea of how to get out of there.
I am somewhat hoping that getting this out there and off my chest will be cathartic in some fashion. It is hard to admit I'm afraid to have friends and do things with or for other people. It's sad that I've lost my faith and trust in people...maybe I need a map for that, too. Maybe I should set out on an adventure to find that faith and trust...like a buried treasure. I'm know that we aren't to put our trust or faith in people, only in God, but to an extent I believe we have to trust people and have faith in them- I'm just not sure why.
Well, this has been a rather gloomy post, eh? Wow I need to watch stand up comedy and take some St. John's wort before I have all of you in a funk, too. :)